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Drunk Sex

So, Freshman year, I was hanging out with a girl (Penny) who I was sorta seeing at the time. It was Thursday night. I had finished most of my work, and we wanted to go out. I never experienced a “Thirsty-Thursday” and figured this would be the perfect opportunity. We tried texting our friends to see what was going on, but unless you were 21 and could go out to a bar, chances are you are shit out of luck.

We tried knocking on doors of neighbors and kids who lived on my hall to see if they knew of anything going on. Most of the kids on the hall were responsible (or just out-of-the-loop freshmen) and didn’t know of any parties. We were getting close to the end of the hall, but our luck soon changed.

Our friends, Friend1 and Friend2 answer the door cautiously. They are playing music in their dorm, and there are people who I have never met in the room. We come in and there are cards spread out on the floor. Kings. I have never played before. They ask if we want to take some shots with them and then play a new game of kings. Penny approves. The story kicks in here.

We were offered free vokda. As a freshman boy, I graciously accept any alcohol put in front of me. Who cares that it costs $10 for a handle? Who cares that its a disgustingly sweet, pink-lemonade flavored vokda? Ha! Not me!

I take a couple shots to catch up with everyone else in the room. Penny takes a couple half shots. Let the game begin! We start playing, and obviously being the kid who doesn’t know the rules, I am losing horribly. Shot after shot. I do manage to take down some of the other light weight girls with me. All I know is that maybe 20 minutes later, I am about 10 shots deep. I’m feeling pretty good about myself. The girls are drunk. The girls say that they are getting to drunk, so we agree to turn the game into strip kings. Either take a shot or take of your clothes. The Gods have answered. Even as a freshman, I have a decent tolerance to vodka (I’m half Russian) and drunk girls are stripping. I get most of the girls’ shirts off…

Eventually Friend1 (now Drunk-Friend1), announces that she has to pee. She takes my shirt off and runs off. The game halts. I take a couple shots to pass time. At this point, I no longer care about the game. I have been surrounded by naked girls. I WANT SEX!

I fall back and whisper to Penny “Have you ever had drunk sex?” She replies “No, but I really want to.”

I say my goodbyes to everyone in the room. I finally stand up for the first time in a while. The alcohol sinks in as I feel the blood rush to my head and legs. I am now stumbling. I am drunk.

We go to Penny’s room. She has two roomates, but neither one were there at 1am. We immediately strip and start fucking. I might have been fucking her in missionary position for 10 minutes, when all of a sudden we hear something at the door…

Shanikwa, Penny’s big, black, rooster-looking, roomate opens the door and walks in. I am on top of Penny. I am facing Shanikwa. We meet eyes. I am still fucking Penny.

I casually say “Hi Shanikwa.” I am still fucking Penny, even as I say this. Shanikwa is horrified. It was like KFC didn’t have enough chicken to fill an 8-peice bucket.

So me being the considerate, caring, gentleman that I am, I proceed to ask this hideous beast “Do you want to have a threesome with us?” I am still fucking Penny. I do not stop.

Shanikwa runs away. Scarred for life.

I am still fucking Penny. I don’t remember for how long or if I even came, but we eventually stop having sex.

Instead of going to bed to and try to salvage a few hours of sleep before 8am Friday classes, we go say hi to Penny’s neighbors. I am not wearing any pants or a shirt. I am just wearing a thin pair of boxers. We are explaining our night and how I just scared the shit out of Penny’s roommate. All I know is that her sober neighbors take advantage of me and make me do some stupid dance, in my underwear. They record it on their computers. At some point my dick falls out.

I leave their room hysterically laughing. The RA on the floor comes out and tells me politely to shut-the-fuck-up. This is even funnier to me. I collapse on the hallway floor, laughing uncontrollably. The girls drag me back into Penny’s room so that I do not get written up.

I wind up waking up drunk for my 8am. I remember cursing out my TA for not signing off on my Lab report fast enough. At the time, I felt justified. Looking back on it, I was drunk. Oh well…no thirsty thursday…for a couple days at least.

[Thanks for checking out the blog. New story every thursday]